that crush we all have
Remember last week when I said I was ready to start drafting again? I was fired up. My imagination was running wild with vivid pictures waiting to turn into words and characters just starting to find their voices…
And then I got sick. It wasn’t anything too dramatic—just your average cold—but it took the wind right out of my sails and depleted any “I’m ready to take on the world!” energy that I’d had the week before. So I didn’t write. I didn’t do much of anything except scrape by in survival mode and wear the same pink pajamas for most of the week.
That should’ve been fine. We all get sick; it’s a normal part of life. And rest is good! But as the week wore on, I could feel my agitation beginning to grow. It wasn’t just my annoyance over not feeling well, it was something deeper than that. I started to notice that I was doing that thing again.
You know, that thing where I let my productivity determine my worth.
I’m sure you’re familiar with this little mind trap. Let me set the stage for you:
You walk into your house and there’s stuff everywhere—shoes, toys, food, and dirt from the backyard tracked all over your floor. One glance into your kitchen shows a sink full of crusty dishes left over from last night’s dinner. You don’t even think about opening the laundry room door because you already know what awaits you in there.
What’s the first thought that crosses your mind?
I’m failing.
Now think about the days when you get everything done on your to-do list. When your house is sparkling and your kids aren’t fighting and you’re crushing your goals. How do you talk to yourself then?
I’m doing such a good job!
Why do we only allow ourselves these positive thoughts when we’re accomplishing something? Why do we wait to feel good only after the work is done?
I’ve noticed that I do the same thing with my writing. It’s a lot easier for me to believe in myself when I have proof. When I can show actual evidence that I’m succeeding. My mind craves that validation, the solid feel of a checklist in my hand. But if we can’t love ourselves without all the bells and whistles, without the so-called proof or fought-for evidence of our worthiness, then is it really love? Or is it just infatuation with who we think we should be?
It’s on those long, slow days when nothing gets done, those days when I am simply existing that this love is put to the test. That’s when I have to dig deep and look for the truth: do I love myself or do I just have a crush on my productivity?
I love this quote from Brooke Snow: “Remember that you are a human being, not a human doing.” It reminds me to focus on who I am rather than just the tasks themselves. And it also makes me think that if God can love us messy humans every day, even on the days that we cast aside as a “waste of time,” then maybe we can learn to love ourselves like that too. I bet those quiet days will teach us more about the meaning of life than hustling ever will.
You are more than your to-do list. You are bigger than your unfinished book or that project that always feels just out of reach. You are made of so many intricate pieces and parts, of darkness and light and goodness and struggle. Your worthiness isn’t dependent on how much you got done yesterday or today or what you will accomplish tomorrow. You are wonderful simply because you are.
Don’t wait to celebrate until you’ve crossed that finish line, because the truth is you’ll just find another race to run anyway. And no amount of running through life is going to get you what you want, which is love and acceptance. Let’s learn to run just because we love the feeling of it not because it’s something we think we need to win.
That love and acceptance you’re chasing? You’ve already got it inside you.
Close your eyes and breathe it in. Then loosen your grip on your checklist.
Maybe it’s not quite as powerful as you think it is.
Maybe it’s not you.
