what’s holding you back?

What’s holding you back right now, right this minute? 

As I sat down to write to you today, I closed my eyes and offered up a prayer—a prayer of thanks and a prayer of petition—and that question came to my mind. What’s holding me back? And what would I do differently if that roadblock, that barrier that keeps me stuck, was suddenly gone tomorrow? 

I knew my answer immediately. 

It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with my mental health this year, but the truth is, I’ve been struggling with it for years, ever since I was young. I’ve spent countless hours wrestling with my brain, fighting to beat it into submission, praying to my Father to please just take this struggle away. 

But until this year, I never really understood what “it” was. I just knew that more often than not, my brain felt like it was my enemy, my racing thoughts like piercing shrapnel I could never escape no matter how hard I tried.

And oh, how hard I tried. 

I don’t share this to say that I’ve been miserable my whole life because that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve led a beautiful, enriching life with the people I love and a work I adore. But sometimes a thick fog of anxiety settles over me until I can hardly see, hear, or think about anything other than the things that scare me. 

But even on my worst days, I’ve never been alone. I’ve had more prayers answered than I can count, reassurance given when I’ve asked for it, and endless love poured over me by a mercifully empathetic Savior. Over the past few years, my God has blessed me with a series of small and tender mercies meant just for me as He brought me out of the fog of anxiety and into the light of clarity and truth. Into a space where I could find answers. 

Obsessive-compulsive disorder—that’s what has been plaguing me this whole time. The fog of anxiety, the racing brain, the constant checking and rechecking and checking again. In my thoughts. In my house. In my marriage. With my children. Over and over again in a vicious cycle that never brought relief. 

There’s a lot I could say on the subject, but for now let’s just say that the moment I had a name for the demons I faced, everything changed. I changed. And I’m continuing to change every single day. 

But despite the months of growth and the therapy that was life-changing and all the resources I’ve read and listened to, I’m still held back by obsessive thoughts. I’m still afraid of feeling afraid. In my mind, my OCD tendencies are still a roadblock, a barrier that keeps me stuck. 

So what would I do differently if those anxious struggles were suddenly gone tomorrow? How would I feel? Who would I be? What would change for me? 

I know that I would live my life with greater faith. I would be bolder; I would worry less. I would take action rather than fretfully wringing my hands. I would stop overthinking and let myself just be. I would allow myself to feel more joy.

I know what you’re thinking—“That’s easier said than done, Nicole.” And believe me, I couldn’t agree more. But we have to ask ourselves an important question: What is actually harder? Holding on to fear or letting it go? 

I know the answer to that. I do. But I’ve held on to fear for so long that my hands don’t quite know how to let it go. Even though I’m tired of feeling this way and my fingers are stiff from their relentless gripping, it’s still hard to let go and let God prevail. 

I don’t know what’s holding you back. I don’t know what struggles you’re facing or the demons that keep you up at night. I don’t know—but God does. And He wants to help you break down those roadblocks and push through those barriers, right this minute. I know that to be true because I’ve seen it in my own life. Over and over again in a beautifully redemptive cycle that always brings relief.

He is there. Answers are coming. Help is on the way. 

So take a deep breath, loosen your grip, and together, let’s learn to let go.