the thought i want to think the most.

I remember when I was growing up, I had a recurring thought that troubled me. I remember being in high school, tiredly kneeling to say my prayers at the end of the day, and this thought would sometimes cross my mind.

I didn’t think about Jesus one time today. 

In the busyness of everyday life, I’d forgotten Him, just like we all tend to do. I hadn’t thought about Him at school or practice or with my friends or when I was doing homework. I had so many other things to think about. 

I remember the thought making me sad; I wanted to remember my Savior. I wanted to look to Him in all things, but most of the time I wasn’t sure how to do that. Most of the time I was distracted and busy and scattered.

I don’t share this memory because I think badly of my teenage self. Quite the opposite. My heart goes out to that young girl who was seeking to learn about the God who made her. I share this with you because the memory of that thought crossed my mind today, and I thought it might be worth exploring. 

One of my favorite stories in The Book of Mormon is of a young man who’s struggling to find his way back to God. He feels as if he’s sunk too low to be saved. He believes he’s done far too much to be forgiven. But then, in the middle of his crisis and at his lowest, darkest point, he remembers what his father taught him about Jesus Christ, the One who would come into the world to atone for all our sins. And the moment he thought of Jesus, this young man said: 

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain! (Alma 36:18-20)

This isn’t just a beautiful story of redemption; it’s also a story that demonstrates how powerful our minds can be when we are intentional with our focus.

So how do our minds catch hold of something? I like the analogy of our thoughts being like clouds in the sky, drifting past on a gentle breeze for us to observe. Well, I say I like that analogy, but as someone who struggles with OCD thinking, sometimes I have a very hard time actually believing that our thoughts can be so harmless. My brain wants to wrestle each thought to the ground and examine where it came from, why it’s here, and what it means. In other words, I have a hard time letting my thoughts float on by. I have a hard time letting them just be. 

Maybe that’s why this story of the young man catching hold of the thought of Jesus appeals to me. I like to grab onto thoughts too. 

To “catch hold of” is to focus. This young man had a lot of thoughts he could’ve focused on and wrestled with, thoughts such as I’m worthless. I’ve done too much. I can’t go back. I’m scared, I’m angry, I’m lost…and maybe I’m always going to feel this way. 

But the moment he let God into his story, the moment he remembered the reality of Jesus Christ, that single thought became bigger than all the rest. That thought was written in bold, underlined, and italicized. That thought made the other ones look insignificant and untrue. That thought left the sky of his mind streaked with color and the promise of hope. 

And it changed everything. 

I used to think I was having a good day if I didn’t have to rely upon Jesus. If I could offer a quick prayer and give him a drive-by shoutout, like, “Hey, I’m good! I’ll be sure to check in when I really need you!” But these past few years, my mindset has dramatically shifted. Now I know without any doubt that I need Him in every moment of every day. The older I get, the more dependent I am. The more life I experience, the more I realize that He is the thought I want to think the most. 

When I think about Jesus, I remember who I am. Decisions are simpler. Relationships are easier to navigate. When I think about Jesus, the noise of the world gets softer and my voice gets clearer. When I catch hold of the name of Jesus Christ, I am happier—I just am. And the more I think about Him, the more I want to think about Him. And be like Him. And love like He loves. 

Obviously, I have a long way to go, as we all do. But the journey begins with a single thought. With remembering. With purposeful connection and intentional seeking. 

Now when I tiredly pray before crawling into bed, my mind runs over all of the ways in which I saw Jesus throughout my day—far too many for me to count. But that doesn’t stop me from trying. My mind has caught hold of the thought of Jesus Christ, and I will never let Him go. 

And that, my friends, has changed everything. 

So catch hold of Him. Catch hold of Him, and don’t you let go. Then watch and see what happens next.